You Must Write. You Must. Right?

Here I am, in February 2016, making a sad attempt at a blog post, on a blog that should have been deleted years ago. Something made me keep it up. Writers' honor, I guess. Honoring the past and the posts I've bothered with along the way. Truth is, I gave up Facebook for Lent, this is probably a self-serving act to out myself out into the social media sphere. Maybe it's more. Lately I've felt many strong feelings, inklings, directions, callings, etc. I'm trying to be more intentional in listening to God. Frankly, it's weird to be saying that. If you're uncomfortable with my saying God is speaking to me, nudging me, we can say "the universe" or "my subconscious" is doing it. Whatever you need, buddy.

Anyway, one big thing I've been nudged to do is limit the messages I allow in, hence the no Facebook thing. That's pretty light. Makes sense. Not super difficult. Might even be good for me. Which brings my case in point, I've been nudged to notice my selfishness. My nasty stinking self-serving, self-absorbed, selfish self-ness. Woof. That's a tough one, God. Yep, I am selfish. It SERVES ME to be selfish. Why in the big wide world would I WANT to change that?! I was praying about it out loud with a friend, and I actually prayed, "God, help me be less selfish. Maybe help me to see how being less selfish will be good for me..." and then I literally laughed out loud. I couldn't believe my stupid, selfish mouth. Help me see how being less selfish will me GOOD for ME?! How can this SERVE ME?! *Shakes head* I hear ya, God. I clearly need help.

So I'm thinking I'll write a few posts here. Because, you guessed it, I've been feeling nudged to do so.

Until next time.

Weight loss on the 21 Day Fix

My motivation is many things, but in the beginning, I started my weight loss journey so that I could love my body/self. I have since realized that yes, looks matter for self-love and body image and confidence, but I had NO IDEA what noticing small changes, that have nothing to so with looks, would do for my confidence. 

Through the 21 day Fix workouts and supporting nutrition, I have grown an appreciation for all that my body is capable of. I marvel at my feet for holding my balance during yoga. I am impressed by my legs for holding a sumo squat without failing. My arms have held me up when my brain was certain I would fall. My motivation is myself. 

I'm so lucky to have this fully functioning, growing-stronger-each-day body, and I'm finally ready to take care of it, at every stage. Fitness is a mental game too, and I'm there. 21 Day Fix was the right mix to get me started. Now I continue because it FEELS GREAT! I'm not to my magic number, but I know I'll get to a place where my body is healthy, and that's enough for me. 

Me and this body of mine, we got this. Every cell a on board now, we cannot be stopped!

In the throws

All the feels. I am having them. I am frustrated and sad and happy and annoyed and just about feeling like I'm about to burst. I don't know what is going on with me. I feel like a lid has been screwed on. Tight. I think some people call it being an adult. I'm not so sure. I have weird feelings that it's called being a "southern woman." Or, a woman at all... 

I'm supposed to act soft and sweet, and frankly, I'm not. It actually catches me off guard to see in peoples faces just how brash I am. It's funny. And awful. And soul crushing. Like I am most definitely doing everything wrong. Like I am a failure as a female. Which is so wrong. And I know it. But the stupid feels. They are stupid.

What Political Ads do to Me

I am currently sitting in the North Carolina Piedmont, at job training, away from my Fiancé and my home. I'm also far from the place I still seem to tell people I am from. All week, people have asked, what brings you here and where are you from. Every time, I said, "I'm from Ohio."

I am more proud now than I ever was before that I am from a state which is able to correctly predict Presidents so often. The "heart of America" knows what is in the hearts of Americans. I am glad that I was raised in Ohio, where many different opinions helped to shape my thinking process, my moral compass, and my heart. I sincerely hope I never lose the best of what Ohio (MY version/section of Ohio), has instilled in me.

I wanted to say that stuff before I said this next stuff. I'm not sure why. Continue if you wish; be warned, I'm getting political.

I'm not defending Obama. No, I don't think Obama is amazing. A president is a human. Humans are not perfect. They make mistakes, create expectation, and disappoint.

Here goes.

While watching TV, an anti-Obama ad came on. I literally laughed at it.

To set the scene:
A woman is going for a run. She is wearing a fancy-looking jogging suit. She is also pushing a runner stroller. On her run, which I assume is in her neighborhood, she passes many large houses in something that I would say is in between a gated community and housing development. More towards the gated community type.

A woman's voice (I'm assuming it was the runner's, in her head).
She said, "I run to get rid of my worries, like that my husband has been laid off 3 times..." (during Obama administration).

Here in this part of North Carolina, maybe this woman is the image of who is truly struggling with the economic situation. In my experience, however, this person is not the one who's husband has been laid off three times. Also, people with multiple layoffs, will know that those started more than four years ago. Unless that was just my family...

This ad pissed me off. Why?

First, the people who have had that many layoffs, they're not usually the runner type. When these individuals are working, their work is exhausting.

Second, they've never lived in big, overpriced houses that are piled on top of each other so that the neighbors can gloat over who has a better lawn or nicer stone on the front of their houses.

Third, even if this woman was the exception to the rules of what I know of people who have been laid off this much, AIN'T NO WAY that she's taking a screaming baby on a run (the run is meant to clear her head, remember) or would bother spending money on a 'running stroller.'

Why do so many people think Romney can't relate to the average American? Uh, because he can't. Even people on his payroll/his supporters can't accurately portray the face of who is truly and MOST deeply affected by the economic situation. Don't tell me I don't know, because these people are my family, friends, and community members.


UGH!

There's something about mornings (another draft never posted)

By popular definition, I am by no means a morning person. I have a very healthy relationship with sleep and like to spend a lot of time sleeping. In the morning I move slowly, speak softly and if you would ask anyone who has met me, I don't appear to be myself (loud, fun, etc.) in the morning. Waking up is a process to me and I enjoy taking my time on that process. The ideal start to my day includes sitting outside in silence with a cup of coffee, just listening to the world wake up.

By my definition, I think that I am a morning person. Morning is my favorite time of day. The stillness and the unity of all earthly life is a peaceful and beautiful experience. When I first wake, I do not wish to speak a single word or make a sound. This is partially because I am tired and my voice is weak, but also because in the stillness of my waking hours, I feel that any sound I make is a sonic boom bursting through a delicate barrier of my waking body.

Where I am (draft that I didn't finish)

Ever had a guy do something completely unexpected and sweet for you? I mean something that you will never forget. Not surprise flowers, not an awesome gift, nothing like that. Honestly doing something for you. Thinking enough of you to do something simple and yet meaningful.
I never had, until last night. Last night, I sat on the living room couch

Wrote this draft August of '11. Posting because it's good enough

Life after college is an adjustment. All of my close friends are either still off at school or far away in their hometowns. I work nearly every single day thanks to my two jobs. I went from living on my own to living with my mom and what sometimes seems like hundreds of siblings. I lost the motivation I had for job searching and yet, I know that I am not where I want to be. Still okay with life, but aware that I won't be happy here for too long.

How long is too long? I don't know. I'm starting to feel the pressure now. Perhaps my years of off to school, back home, rinse and repeat have given me a limited amount of time to be happy living at home. I think that time is expiring. My career path is not showing any obvious signs of the right direction.

Suddenly it seems that where I left off on my career path, others are picking up my broken promises and bringing them to me. This is a process that gives me a small glimmer of hope only to fade away with internal frustration.